If I had any clue how 2020 was going to pan out after those last blog posts...oh man. Retrospect can be a real punch to the gut sometimes. It's kind of taking my breath away thinking of all that went on since then. Erik's coming home sick turned into a wicked case of the flu which of course spread like wildfire through the house. We were sick on and off through early March when we went to my cousin's wedding. That was an awesome roadtrip with me and my kiddos and we had such a blast. And then my Grandma passed away. We buried her on St Patrick's Day and were already starting to see the signs of the pandemic. Then it all shut down. Our campout was cancelled, our activities were all cancelled, the cabin fever set in and the new normal began. We went from having a full plate of outside classes, service projects, and Scout events to nada. Life got really messy at home and I can safely say I had some of the roughest times ever. Things have eased up since then. In some ways, we adjusted. In some ways, we still haven't. Part of me wishes I'd continued to blog like I'd promised myself, and part of me know I wouldn't even want to read it. Any journaling I did was private and sad to say the least. I went through periods of spamming my friends and family to keep in touch and periods of total withdrawal from everything.
It. Was. Rough.
But...we emerge, right? We evolve, we adapt, we move forward even when the very ground we attempt to make baby steps on feels like shattered glass. Resilience is bittersweet. Some of our coping mechanisms aren't quite healthy but perhaps they're what we need at the time. Mine tend to be repression, withdrawal, and food. Big shock there, right? Every blog I've had has had some tie to my struggle with food. Well, the pandemic and the home stress brought that out in full force. I left myself go big time. I leaned on food for comfort and naturally it was all the wrong kinds of food. I mean who comforts themselves with lettuce? Do those people even exist? If they do, can we talk? Teach me your ways....because my comfort comes in the form of cookies or fries. All of the hard nutritional work I put in when I was pregnant with Pi and afterwards is lost. Those days spent happily trying on dresses for Tay's wedding and feeling so happy with what I could fit into at the time...yeah those dresses wouldn't fit anymore. I'm almost back at square one. Not at my heaviest, but getting there. Emotionally, I snap easier. I let stress get the better of me. Even my dreams are stressful now and not the reprieve they used to be.
So things must change and today is the day.
I can't be any harder on myself than I have been, so I'm trying a different tact. I'm trying gentleness. I'm trying to give myself the same grace that I give so freely to others. I picked up a self care journal and a book of mindfulness exercises. I'm going to be more conscious of the things I put in my body. Because we emerge, right? We evolve, right? I know I can too, but I think I have to work with myself not against myself. I have a plan and I'm going to try to work it out here as well. We try. That's all I can do.
I think in that case....Master Yoda was incorrect.... *gasp*
Peace, Love, and all the beautiful things.
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